


Lurtz: An Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual

by HASA_Archivist



Category: The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Humor, War of the Ring
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-14
Updated: 2015-04-14
Packaged: 2018-03-22 21:17:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,695
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3743819
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HASA_Archivist/pseuds/HASA_Archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Before you buy that Lurtz unit, make sure you know how to properly care for it.  This installment approved by the original author of the series.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lurtz: An Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the HASA Transition Team: This story was originally archived at [HASA](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Henneth_Ann%C3%BBn_Story_Archive), which closed in February 2015. To preserve the archive, we began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in February 2015. We posted announcements about the move, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this author, please contact The HASA Transition Team using the e-mail address on the [HASA collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/hasa/profile).

Note: I was inspired by Theresa Green’s excellent series of owner’s manuals on several LOTR characters and felt that Lurtz deserved one of his own. I am posting this with her permission, as she has no plans to do one for this lovable and cuddly Uruk. It pales in comparison to the original, but humor me.

  
_*****CONGRATULATIONS!***** _

You are now the proud owner of a LURTZ! To get the full potential of this Minion of Darkness, it is recommended you read this manual and the procedures detailed within. Your new acquisition is a loyal sort if you assert yourself as master and many rewarding moments will lie in store.

**TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS**

Name: Lurtz  
Type: Uruk-hai  
Manufacturer: Curunír Splicing GmbH  
Date of Production: 3019, Third Age  
Height: 7 feet  
Weight: at least 250 lbs.  
Length: Certainly won’t disappoint

 

  
**ACCESSORIES**

The LURTZ model comes equipped with the following items:

(a) High tension bow

(b) Quiver with 3 arrows

(c) Long, straight-edged blade, with hooked end suitable for disembowling

(d) Full suit of armor (handcrafted in the Forges of Isengard)

(e) Jars of body paint

(f) Alternative wardrobe (loincloth)

**INSTALLATION**

***CAUTION*** Your LURTZ will be hungry after his long journey and you may be in for quite a struggle if proper precautions are not taken before removing the lid from his crate. We suggest that you have food on hand to calm him. He will be extremely agitated if there is nothing immediately prepared for him, in which case your only option will be to run! To avoid this, it is suggested that the following be prepared beforehand:

* a refreshing drink. Blood will do. Uruk-hai are not known for their pickiness of cuisine.

* any spare scrap of meat you can find. Again, any species is suitable and will be palatable to your LURTZ.

* your annoying neighbor/mother-in-law/child, etc. It is preferable they be pre-killed. (***NOTE*** Remember to close the curtains during this procedure and choose an easily-cleaned location.) Though your LURTZ enjoys the thrill of the hunt, there will be plenty of time for that in the months ahead. At the time of unpacking, he will still be disoriented and it is not recommended that he be excited too quickly.

***NOTE*** If your LURTZ was part of a bonus 2-pack with an ORC OVERSEER model, there is a good chance that he has seen to his own meal already and the food you have prepared can be used at a later time. Make sure there is enough room in that freezer to accommodate your dear, departed Little Billy! But you will find that your LURTZ’s appetite is so voracious that the evidence will be disposed of in a matter of hours.

**CLEANING**

Your LURTZ is from a race not known for strict hygiene. They were born in the muddy slime pits of Isengard and are quite at home in the earth’s embrace. It is not recommended that you try to impose a cleaning regimen. It is possible to occasionally turn the garden hose on him when he is not looking, but not recommended. Over time, it is expected that your LURTZ’s scent will become as enjoyable and attractive as the fellow himself.

**OPERATING PROCEDURE**

You will find that your LURTZ is fully equipped for a number of uses at work or play. Some possible ways to employ your LURTZ are:

 

*** Entertainment:**

A fearsome appearance is only one asset the LURTZ model possesses. Take your LURTZ to Halloween parties, set him loose among the young 'uns, and watch the fun -- and dismemberments.  


*** Long Distance Running:**

When it comes to stamina, the LURTZ model is hard to beat (except, perhaps, the ARAGORN model in “Wingfoot” mode, or any model in “Slash” mode). Even laden with scores of pounds of armor, your LURTZ will press on relentlessly. Enter him in marathons for charity and win every race! To motivate him, tell him that he needs to find and bring back Halflings. For extra fun, purchase the HOBBIT collection.  


*** Hunting:**

Though your LURTZ has been genetically bred to hunt and kill ELVES and MEN, it is possible to get him to slay something once in a while that you are able to eat. Tell him that deer, moose and bear are agents of the Forces of Good and your dinner table shall never lack.

**COMMUNICATIONS**

At first you may find it difficult to converse with your LURTZ. He will come programmed with only a limited vocabulary because his creator did not see fit to devote much attention to the Uruk race. However, it is possible to enlarge his language skills through a mutual learning process. Uruk-hai are quite intelligent and will readily retain any new words you see fit to teach them. Be creative! And don’t spare that creativity in the learning process. It has been affirmed by our female team of scientists and researchers that whips, handcuffs and blood sport have been useful teaching aids. Contrary to popular opinion, Uruk-hai are also fond of chocolate pudding, honey, whipped cream, and feathers.

***NOTE*** It should be noted that most purchasers of the LURTZ model are only concerned with certain tongue skills, but that is no excuse to rob an Uruk of his education.

**COMPATIBILITY WITH OTHER MODELS**

Your LURTZ will find it difficult to interact civilly with the models of the ELF, MAN or DWARF lines. If it is impossible to keep your LURTZ away from other models, it is recommended that all weapons be confiscated beforehand. The ARAGORN model may be particularly belligerent and inflict a crippling leg injury on your LURTZ if his Elven knife is not seized. Similarly, if your LURTZ and ARAGORN models are allowed to fight, impalement, head bludgeonings, and tongue lacerations will be the sure result.

If you also own a BOROMIR and are fond of it, it is recommended you keep him hidden. If the BOROMIR and ARAGORN models are hidden together, there is a good possibility they will soon forget about your LURTZ. Provide them with phials of scented oil or put them beside a river. Be sure to set both to “Slash” mode. The matter will soon take care of itself.

**FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS**

Q: My LURTZ is very happy with his manflesh diet (which I go through considerable trouble to supply), but when he bares his teeth, bits of flesh are lodged between them and the smell is getting worse. What can I do?

A: Unless your relationship is such that he would willingly use dental floss to please you, we suggest that a comment be made about the pleasures of picking teeth with small bones. Your LURTZ will be sure to give it a try!

 

Q: My LURTZ disappears for long periods of time and always comes back looking like he has rolled in a bog! Why does he do this and where does he go?

A: The Uruk-hai are very much a pack species and your LURTZ is simply feeling loneliness at being separated from his siblings. During our testing process, several LURTZ models were tracked and it was discovered that they sought mud pits and caverns when in a fit of melancholia. Though visits to places that remind him of his former home should be encouraged, do not let your LURTZ become obsessed. Increase the creativity of your language learning sessions to keep him close to the bedroom for awhile. Let your embrace be the one he craves!

 

Q: My LURTZ’s quiver is empty! I can’t find the arrows anywhere!

A: Have you checked your BOROMIR lately?

 

Q: I didn’t know Uruk-hai teeth were so painful! Is there no way to blunt them?

A: There is one reported case of a LURTZ model undergoing dental modification, but since that report also asserted the LURTZ model had fallen passionately in love with a LEGOLAS model, as well as befriending the ELROND and THRANDUIL models, we are inclined to deem it a bunch of romantic hogwash. Get used to your LURTZ’s enthusiastic love bites! We know you really like them anyway.

  
Q: I think my LEGOLAS and LURTZ look so cute together, but LURTZ is not equipped with a “Slash” mode. What gives?

A: OK, fine. If you want to utilize your professionally-crafted models in this manner, we can’t stop you. Go ahead. Pair them up. We guarantee the Elf will be spitted in 10 seconds flat on an actual spear and you will have your LURTZ in the midst of frenzied bloodlust. Sure, it will be exciting and perhaps lead to the best language session yet, but you will have lost your LEGOLAS, a now-scarce model in the series. If you are still intent on this pairing, we suggest you lay off the fluffy fanfic. Some excellent alternative and realistic portrayals of your LURTZ and his breathren can be found here: www.uruk-hai.org.

 

Q: But they look so sweet. . .

A: #@%$^&%*!!!!

 

Q: My LURTZ comes with a marvelous suit of armor, but he prefers to wear the loincloth!

A: Is that a complaint?

**TROUBLESHOOTING**

Problem: Your LURTZ has not been demonstrating the fanatical loyalty as was advertised.

Solution: Chances are that you also own a SARUMAN model and your LURTZ is feeling torn between you and his former master. This can be remedied with the purchase of the GRIMA WORMTONGUE model (dagger included).

  
Problem: Cryptic comments are being uttered by your LURTZ to the ARAGORN model like, “It’s only a flesh wound” and “I’ll bite your legs off!”

Solution: Shut off “Monty Python and the Holy Grail” RIGHT NOW! And just why did you let the LURTZ and ARAGORN models play unsupervised? Spare limbs with snap-on attachments are available upon request.

**FINAL NOTE**

With care and rigid monitoring, your LURTZ should last for many years. If rough horseplay with the ARAGORN model is allowed, expect a much shorter lifespan. Each LURTZ model comes with a Certificate of Authenticity from Curunír Splicing GmbH with endorsements and recommendations from many officials in the Forces of Darkness. Be assured that you are the proud owner of a marvel of engineering with a built-in desire to serve and kill, as well as owning the best thighs and abs south of the Misty Mountains.


End file.
